Coming To Terms.

Life can pass you by so quick.
Time goes too quickly one minute and then not quick enough the next.
Things can change in an instant.
Your whole world turned upside down, nothing the same ever again.
One minute someone's there and then the next, they're just not.

I think it's amazing how instantaneously a complete relationship can disappear, you just stop talking to that person, because you can't. One day you're chatting away, discussing life's worries and not worrying about anything. Then something happens and it all falls apart. No matter how much you wish it was different, how much you wish that person was different, it's and they're not!

All past memories become a touchy subject, the wound's still raw and the cut still fresh. Whenever it comes up in conversation it's like salt being rubbed in deeper and deeper. You feel yourself just wanting to get on with things, forget about what has happened but you can't. You can't forget because it's constantly on your mind, that person is always popping up in your mind, random objects trigger a memory and it all comes flooding back.

In the tiny breaks in your day when you've your mind on something different, someone will tell you something, or you'll see something that reminds you of something you did with that person and you get a sudden urge to go and tell them, gossip about it and have a good laugh. But then you remember, you can't. You feel a tear come to your eye, but you choke it back and try to block out the feelings that attempt to consume you. To take over.

You don't give yourself time to come to terms with what's happened. You just try to move on and put on a brave face for everyone else. Other people try and talk to you about it and how they're dealing with it, you don't want to listen. You want to forget. You feel uncomfortable being placed in such an emotive vulnerable position and you close up. You want to believe that it never happened in the first place. That you didn't lose a friend and a family member all in one week. That instead of only having to deal with one loss you had to deal with two.
You just want to move on.
But it's impossibly hard.

And now that things seem so final and so agreed, it's like the end of an era.
The end of a life, a friendship and too many memories.....

Free Gaff!

This last weekend has been a memorable one to say the least!


When the parents are away the child will play..... So true!


I have to admit that I never thought I'd ever hear myself say those words! Mainly because one of my biggest fears, even though i hate to admit it aloud, is the thought of disappointing my parents. It sounds like such a lame thing to say, I know, but it's so very true.


So when I was presented with an opportunity to have a free house for 3 days, was it strange that I very nearly physically jumped at the chance? A free house can only but mean one thing to a teenager......Party! But it wasn't natural for one as innocent as me to even consider the thoughts of such a thing that could go so horribly wrong! But I ignored that gut feeling of dread and thought, fuck it who cares?


I like to believe that I have a nice group of friends, sensible, smart, just naturally good people. . . . There was a split second over this weekend when this thought was questioned. I was presented with the dilemma of the possibility of cocaine being in my house. You know that feeling of total shock? Where you refuse to believe what you think you're seeing? Where your heart skips like fifty beats? When you go into auto mode?........Yeah? Well after feeling all of that, it turned out to be a teaspoon of flour in a plastic bag accompanied by a topman card!


After that came the alcohol (some call it the devil, couldn't begin to think why!). Half a bottle of bucks fizz, 5 cans of bulmers and a vodka shot later, I was feeling slightly tipsy to say the least. The very least. Jade had the right idea, stick to the fanta exotic. I wish I was as wise as she. Moments of forgotten stupidity keep unveiling themselves to me at every available moment. "You ok Becca?"...."I can't see!"...........Me launching myself onto the bed, bouncing off and landing solidly on the floor.......they just keep on comin'.



Kings. Turns out it is THE best drinking game in the world! (Thank you Pamela!) The moment that will stay in my mind for years to come is hearing the words: "Four......Floor!" shouted, then realising I'm on the floor looking around at everyone else on the floor, around the kitchen table, in hysterics. Then there's Roxanne, need I say anymore?

Through all the drunkenness I managed to keep all my rules enforced: Coasters under every drink, no smoking in the house, and ashtray usage! I have to admit I'm very pleased that I managed to withhold my stature throughout it all.


Nighttime drifted into morning in a bit of a blur. People left gradually, until there was only two. Rashers, pudding rolls, bread and lots of ketchup aimed to soothe the ebbing nausea, in addition to the bottle after bottle of water, determined to conquer the dehydration.


I can however, truly say, that it was one of the best nights of my life so far. It resulted in minimal breakages (fridge magnet, cat's food dish, aloe vera plant, hula hoop, and a neighbour's fence!) and was an unforgettable experience!

They returned and didn't suspect a thing!

My new mission in life is now to persuade them to go away again, and again, and again. . . .

Music Makes The Rockin' World Go 'Round

If I had to choose one thing in my life that was important to me it would be music.



I love music but I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm musically obsessed or a music expert, not by a long shot. I don't know every band that ever existed. I don't pretend to know every Beatles song ever written. I'm useless at remembering who sang what tune and which band wrote such a song. What I do know is that I love the feeling that music gives me. The sudden urge to just get up and dance or to sing along as loud as I can, to block everything else out, is what makes music so amazing.



I admire people who are naturally musically talented. If I stumbled across a magic genie on the side of the road and he presented me with one wish, I'd wish to be able to sing, to be able to stand up in front of a group of people, open my mouth, sing and for them to just think "Wow". It's a dream that I can honestly believe will stay a dream.

I'd take my hat off to anyone who can play any type of musical instrument. I think it's one of the most admirable skills a person can have in life. I'm currently learning to play guitar. I have to admit that I love it, but have no shame in confessing that it's difficult. I think my main problem is the lack of time that I posses. I have no time to practice, and as they say, practice makes perfect, and I am nowhere close to perfect.

To be able to write songs is too a skill that I would envy. I've tried on a few occasions and never succeeded in producing anything remotely capable of having enough meaning to it make it as a song.


I think many would agree with me that music is an extremely important part of life. It acts as an output to feelings, emotions and just makes people smile.

Decisions

If there's one thing that i could truly say that I hate in the world most of all, it would have to be making decisions.



Whether it's from something as simple as choosing what to wear or something as life changing as choosing a career, i can't stand decisions.



Take for example choosing a college course. For a person such as myself who has absolutely no clue what I want to do in the next hour never mind for the rest of my life, this has to be one of the hardest decisions I'll have to face. I'm dreading it.

As for making day to day decisions that probably won't make that much of an impact on one's life, I equally dread making them. Like something as simple as choosing what film to see in the cinema or where to go for lunch....every decision counts for something and could shape any aspect of one's future.

What you decide to say or do could make all the difference to your life. I have to admit that I'm the type of person who hates regret. I hate to look back and wish that I'd done things differently or said something else or not have said anything at all.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't make decisions. I make them all the time. I'm just simply stating how much I'd prefer if they weren't there. If life were easier, if decisions didn't count for as much as they do........if things could be undone, the past re-written. I know that it's not that way though. Things aren't easy, we have to live with our mistakes and try to do our best not to make them again and learn from what went wrong.

If we thought things through more, regret could be avoided, but then I suppose life wouldn't be as interesting that way now would it?